Thursday, February 5, 2009

Buck Rogers at the Little Big Horn

by Craig Johnson

In my attempts to keep you abreast of the latest developments in forensic history, or in the re-telling thereof, it would appear that even if George Armstrong Custer had ridden into the valley of the Little Big Horn with a million troopers, they would've still fallen to defeat at the hands of Lakota and Cheyenne warriors who had been bathed in 'an invisible ray' that rendered each of them impervious to Misters Remington and Colt.

No, really.

According to Weekly World News the self-appointed 'World's Only Reliable News', and Dr. Angela Day Brewer, these protective rays left 'mysterious ultraviolet scars' in the earth of the famed 1876 battle. "These scars can only be seen through special infrared scopes." Or if you spend a few hours up at the Parkman Bar with a couple of my Cheyenne and Crow buddies getting your beer-goggles on.

"I and my colleagues had always suspected they (the rays) were caused by alien beings. Now we know for certain that they are." says Dr. Brewer.

According to Weekly World, those darned computers have finally been able to decipher electronic data from the UFO crash site at. You guessed it, Roswell, New Mexico.


'CIA cryptographer', Walter Frobel says, "The government doesn't want the public to know about the dead aliens. There's good solid evidence that these creatures were the same beings that recorded the events at the Little Big Horn. The data reveals the aliens made certain that there were no white survivors." No mention is made of Comanche, the Mustang/Morgan who also survived-one of only two horses buried by the U.S. Military with full honors.

Frobel elaborated by saying that the beings were from a galaxy billions of light-years away and have apparently been overseeing the development of various North American Indian tribes. Frobel goes on to say, "One passage we decoded clearly explains their reasons for getting involved in the Little Big Horn massacre. The excerpt reads, 'We know the Indian's days on planet earth are numbered because there are so many white men and they are so greedy'."

Speaking as a white man, I don't have too much of an argumentwith that last part, but it does make you wonder what the aliens were up to during Wounded Knee and Sand Creek.

In the interest of public knowledge and good reporting, I called up my buddy Marcus Red Thunder. His comment upon hearing that his ancestors had blownthe Seventh out of their collective saddles with laser beams?

"Are you drinking again?"

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Craig Johnson is the author of the Walt Longmire series. Find out more about Craig Johnson and his books at

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